My Future, Self-Censorship and Too Many Words…

5 minute read

Lately, people have asked me more and more often what I intend to do, what projects I have in mind and whether I am abandoning everything I began. I appear to lack any intention of creating a future based upon the factors everyone else considers important.

Yet when I take existing circumstances into account, I more or less know what will follow, because my future is already the past. I must simply wait for the past to happen.

For a long time, I censored my thoughts, ideas, future - everything. For almost a year, I wanted one thing and did another. What I intended to do would have sent me down a long road even more uncertain than the one I already followed. Above all, it would have carried me away from my heart and from the person I continued to support throughout this period, regardless of what happened.

In the end, it seems I wasted a great deal of time waiting and hoping for something that is not happening. It also appears that the violent fall I have tried for some time to prevent is approaching. For some, the crisis surrounding us never ends, while those with sufficient resources, or those who have secured their path through life, barely feel destiny's effects.

Sometimes you might say I was born from hope, and at other times from disaster. The two are woven so harmoniously through my life that I am tempted to believe life really is a dream.

With discussions like these, I kept censoring the reality I wanted for my life. The truth is that, when I examine everything that happened to me during the last ten or twelve years, I realise that it merely paved the road I will follow in the future.

The people I loved and pushed away, or who ran from me, made the best choice, because I was not their best option. I am not even the best option for my own soul, but there is nothing I can do. It is bound to me and has no alternative.

During the last few days, I have felt an acute lack of energy, as though life were draining through the hourglass so that it could be turned over again and again. For hours, I watched both my inner world and my body struggling fiercely to escape a condition beyond the limits of understanding. When you cannot understand what is happening, you can only wait to see the result, whatever it may be.

Although in my own thoughts I considered myself the principal cause of everything happening around me, I also censored ideas about the actions of others, such as these:

• All beautiful or likeable ("good!") women, because of their environment and outside influences, are whores - curvas, meaning changeable. They do not know what they want, although what they truly want is material comfort. In the end, that is what their lives provide. They present themselves as immaculate while their minds are filled with devilish things.
• If men run after women, women run after money. They may deceive themselves that they seek a stable relationship, love and stories of that kind, but eventually they become bored and run towards what they know best: destroying everything beautiful and peaceful in life. This is why, although many women are beaten or mocked in the name of love, they cannot renounce whatever pleases them in the depths of their being.
• Love without sex is like drinking tea from an empty cup. However much you lie to yourself or practise autosuggestion, you eventually realise that it is only an empty cup.
• However far you run from the consequences of an action that harmed the person you love, and therefore those around you, fate eventually waits around the corner. It does not allow you to die peacefully until you have paid at least three times for your actions. If you possessed peace and everything was beautiful and filled with promise, then abandoned it all, it is natural for life to take its revenge and give you what you desired.
• We always search for the cause in other people, but evil hides within our own thoughts. All future evil and suffering may begin with a single idea that took root in the mind. This is why it is said that sinning in thought causes more harm than the act itself.
• If you are not selfish and do not place yourself first, you will lose in the end, however beautifully you deceive yourself by covering everything in a divine aura. You lose materially but gain within. Yet that gain appears worthless when you live in a society founded upon money, filth, politics and slavery.
• If you have money, life is much easier and your desires are more easily fulfilled, provided destiny allows you to enjoy your material or professional achievements. It does not matter whether you are a superficial being who runs from the self, already bored by entertainment, life or the person beside you. Only as you grow older do you understand how much time you wasted. You soothe your soul by telling yourself that spiritual things would also have bored you. So you trampled a few more souls underfoot and made the time pass faster.

I could list ideas like these endlessly. Even though they are real and form part of our lives, they bore me more quickly than looking into myself in silence.

We may deceive ourselves that free choice exists within our lives, but the past, as it is written and will be written, cannot be changed. In the present, we may believe our actions will influence the past of the future, but perhaps our choice was always meant to be precisely this one. No one guarantees that another option was ever available.

Whether we act or merely wait for events to occur, the past will happen with or without our consent.

If we believe the actions of the world's remarkable people paved the glorious life we possess today, we should know that the prayers of others likewise paved the way for the soul and for the religions that now exist. Even without acting directly, they influenced life and the world as we perceive them, and they continue to do so.

Above all, they will continue changing the future we await. I say this knowing that the future is, in truth, a future past.

First published in Romanian on 11 February 2011. This English translation preserves the perspective of that period.

Original Romanian article: Viitorul meu, autocenzura și vorba multă....