I Search for Myself and Cannot Find Me…

4 minute read

Many years ago, I asked myself a question that led to a decision, then a choice, and finally to the course of my present destiny. Looking towards the future, I saw the road I would have to follow from that present moment. Above all, I saw the dangers that could arise from differences of character, desire and ways of seeing life. I also looked towards the past that had paved the present of that time... and I chose to renounce that future.

I imagine you have realised that I am speaking about the period when I was beginning to experiment with the path described in my book about the religion of love, a path once imprinted upon my grey brain by my inner experiences. Well... I was not exactly at the beginning. I had already practised for more than five years, during which many apparently impossible events took place in my life, both for the better and for the worse. In truth, perhaps only for the better, but then I could not say "for the better and for the even better".

When I saw that events had taken a road that carried the soul further and further from what it wished to accomplish, through nobody's fault but simply because destiny was unfolding, I had to make that decision. A little later, I understood that free choice refers only to the hands into which you give your soul. The river of life will then flow like a torrent in the direction you choose, influenced or even compelled without your awareness.

Free choice means that you can choose to do good or harm, both to yourself and to those around you. Sometimes the line between the two is so clouded that both directions can exist at once.

I believe words are unnecessary upon this path of experiencing love. Articles or subjects that merely repeat what I wish to communicate must return to the central article of this blog: "Theory Is Theory... but Practice Gives the Truth".

To live these experiences, two souls must desire the same path of experience and awareness of love's existence within their destiny. They must struggle to keep the inner flame alive regardless of storms, destiny, prejudice and everything else the mind can invent to obstruct it.

Strangely, the present is no longer overshadowed by the possibility of drifting away from the path chosen by the soul. It is overshadowed only by the fact that the foundation of my idea about love's divinity has become an experience from the past.

But, as I said, we must not renounce what we experience. That foundation gradually strengthened everything I once lived through. Above all, it strengthened within my soul the idea that the lived experience of love exists in itself within everything that is, and that it is the god everyone seeks outside while it remains hidden directly beneath our gaze. We need only change our direction. Do not search outside for what already exists within.

I repeatedly tried to believe that destiny could be defeated, that if you possessed faith as small as a mustard seed you could move mountains. This is true as long as you wish to move the mountains for the path of your own soul. You cannot simply hope that someone else will want to join your apparently impossible adventure when faith is absent.

Everyone has a personal dream, an ideal and a path to follow in life. A road towards material achievement or professional fulfilment, or even towards a new experience of human love - what is divine is reflected within it - may appear ordinary and completely meaningless to the followers of a religious or philosophical life. In turn, those followers appear to be dreamers with their heads in the clouds to people anchored to their temporary bodies.

Escaping the Matrix requires far more than dreams, achievements, fulfilment or even powerful experiences. Within, everyone believes they are special. If someone does not, they should begin to see the divine spark that dwells within them, while remembering that the most certain fact of existence is that everything passes... especially their life.

You miss your family and the people you love, but your family, and those you love, may show little interest in your existence, or even in whether you still exist. Do not wait to be loved in return. Be happy that they at least allow you to love them. That is the greatest reward. Go and enjoy their presence now, not tomorrow, because you do not know whether you will again have the chance to bring joy to your soul through the presence of those you love.

One day, they too will feel the absence of your love after you have left this world, because although love cannot be seen... it can be felt.

Do not loudly declare a magnificent love worthy of films, and do not demand declarations of love from them. Do not waste time on useless words. Surrender to the experience of love and be prepared to endure when its torrent pours over your soul. If, in its force, it carries you with it and leaves the body behind, do not return for the body... it was destined to perish one day anyway.

I once lost this opportunity because I was afraid, so anyone can be wiser than I was. Now there is no longer any need to look into the future again through the present, measured against the past... especially as I must renounce this future.

First published in Romanian on 6 March 2012. This English translation preserves the perspective of that period.

Original Romanian article: Mă caut și nu mă găsesc....